Having To Let Go

June 28, 2011

Dear John,

I have been debating to write this letter, but something in my heart keeps telling me that I have to. Maybe it’s to put closure to us, maybe its just to tell you how I feel, I don’t really don’t know.

I think back to us over the last 7 months and I am filled with mixed emotions – love, hurt, anger, and confusion. We have had a roller coaster ride in our relationship and there’s a big part of me that wants it to end but another part of me that doesn’t.

I can’t stop the love the feel for you and I wish I could. I know that I can’t love a married man. It has caused me so much pain to love someone I can’t have in my life. It tears at my heart to know you are not able to love me the same way. I know you say you love me, but it’s so hard for me to believe you when I know you do what you do and you say what you say to your wife. The thought of you making love to her and kissing her breaks me into pieces. Knowing you hold her in bed and not me crushes me. When you send her pictures and she sends ones to you makes me feel that what we did was just meaningless.

I feel the guilt of tearing your marriage and family apart. I know I don’t have the right to do this. I have known this from the start. I wish I hadn’t given into my heart and listened to my head. I know it would have saved me a lot of heartache. I blame myself for fallen in love with you – a married man. I blame me for believing you would leave her for me.

You took me from a really bad place with Pat and allowed me to move on and I thank you for that and will always be grateful. I became a much stronger person and it’s because of you. BUT as strong as you made be become, I feel you also knocked me back down and I know there is a reason for all of this. It will make me a stronger person once again. I truly believe this. Even though it hurts like hell.

I think of you all the time – morning till night. I wonder why it has to be this way. I wonder why I feel the way I do? I question how you could do the things you do and say the things you say. The most hurtful thing is why did you lie? Why couldn’t you have been honest with me from the start? Things could have been so different between us.

I know I should let you go for good and let you be with your wife and family. I know that you have to deal with your situation and your marriage. I just don’t know how to say “goodbye”.

I do miss so much about us – our passion, our intimacy, our love, our laughter, your touch, your smile. Was it true though? I know what I felt was sincere. I wish the trust had never been broken because now I wonder if any of it was true. I am sorry but I do feel this way.

Please know one thing – my mood and distance is the protection I give to my sanity. I feel shattered and I know you want me to be happy and one day I will be. Right now I need to get over the man I fell in love with and realize he was never mine to fall in love with. This will take time.

I wish I could see into the future and see what paths our lives will take, but I can’t, so for now I have to walk the path without you. We both know this.

I am a beautiful woman John and someday I know there will be a special man that will appreciate, love, cherish and never betray me. Guess time will tell who that will be and when that will be.

I want you to know – I do love you and probably will always love you. You did touch my heart and my life. Yes you also hurt me, but it was the risk I took.

I truly hope you can find happiness in your life and if it’s with Lori, then I wish you all the best. I can’t stand in your way anymore John and you do need to make your decision and say good bye to me forever or end your marriage. This is not an ultimatum from me just some words of wisdom from someone who cares about you deeply. You can’t keep going this way. It’s not healthy for you, your wife or I. Make your decision John – now – not in 26 days, not next week. You can’t keep doing this to yourself anymore.

Take care & know you are always in my heart,


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