Trying to find hope in the hopeless

June 28, 2011

Dear Christian,
It has been two weeks and I think I’ve finally reached the depths of my pain for what has happened. The first week I was filled with shock and disbelief. The second week has been much, much harder as I slowly began to realise that this all wasn’t just a bad dream that I could wake up from.

I’ve asked myself so many questions trying to search for the answers that you couldn’t and still can’t give me. I wonder when I’m going to stop needing the answers. I wonder if those answers even really matter.

I’ve spent the last few days in Bonn and today, I stood on that train platform: the platform that you stood on as you waited for me to arrive for the first time. I closed my eyes for a moment as I stood there and tried to remember the look you had on your face as I came towards you. The look of hope and expectation for a new life together. I then opened my eyes and remembered the look you had as you told me “I don’t love you anymore”. It was the look of dreams that never came to be and a new life going our separate ways.

What hurt the most was that you looked relieved. Relieved to be rid of this burden of sleeping in the same bed as someone who for the last 6 months was nothing more than a roommate to you. Relieved that you can begin a wonderful new life as you leave me to pick up the pieces of the life you left behind with me.

I realise that it doesn’t really matter anymore whose fault this really is. The thing is, we both let this slip away and for that, I will always be filled with regret.

I’ve spent these last two weeks hating you, resenting you, but worst of all still loving you. There is a part of me that knows that the best thing for me is to never see or speak with you again. Then there’s this little part of me that hopes that we can still make a friendship out of this – but I just don’t know all that yet.

The truth is, my world is empty without you in it and now, I just have to find ways to make it whole again.

I hope one day you think of me fondly and miss the times we had together. I hope that you can find love again and be happier than you were with me. I hope you know that when I move on to find my own joy in life again that there will always be a part of me that will still love you because I will never forget that day that you showed up at the train station. The day when my life really began.

yours still,


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