Secret Crush

July 4, 2011

Dear Christopher,

Today is it! I want to tell you I want you here with me, if only for one night. I live day to day thinking of you. I picture in my mind everything about you, as if you were really here beside me. When I fall asleep I dream that you’re next to me and I can feel your skin underneath my hand. I dream of you running your hands through my hair, down my back, and over every part of my body. I want to share my bed with you.

My world is spinning; I can feel defeat, why can’t I sleep? Why does my throat close whenever you speak? My heart breaks just to be around you. I take in the way you move, the way you talk, and the way you smell whenever you are around. My eyes directed down when your gaze falls upon me, that bashful smile – I want you so badly! This tension, it kills me. My unspoken attraction is enough to fill up volumes.

How can I get close to you? I’m too shy to talk to you; so at this moment it feels safer to watch you from afar with no rejections. You have taken up residence in my mind. I want so badly for you to tell me everything I want to hear but you won’t. I want you to tell me that you want me, but you won’t. Every time I think of you I can feel the butterflies fluttering inside me. You don’t notice me or the way I look at you; maybe it’s ’cause you only see me as a friend and nothing more, but when I look at you, nothing could turn my eyes away.

At night I lay in bed and dream of you coming to my door grabbing me in your arms and kissing me. I dream of you and me lying side by side; running my hands down your chest, across your stomach … feeling every inch of you with my fingers. I imagine kissing you all over your body. Whispering in your ear how badly I want you. I want you to hold me and I want to hear your voice. I imagine being wrapped in your arms and pressed against your chest. I would want you making me feel like part of you … and every time we touch; we would feel like we were the only two in existence. As we lay there I would beg you to make love to me over and over.

But, as I sit here watching the sun set into the horizon, my heart sinks with it. My pain is my entire fault; when will I learn? You would never want me. I’m not perfect, beautiful, or anything important. I have to let the dream of you and me go, for I am a woman with an unrequited crush.

My secret,
Crush

 

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