To Be With You Again

June 28, 2011

Dear Aaron,

I know that we haven’t talked in forever, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t think about you each and every day. You don’t know just how much I wish that I could be lying there with you whispering in your ear my heart’s deepest desires.

I close my eyes and let my thoughts of you flow. I carry on a conversation in my mind between us two, as we tell of our hopes our dreams … all the ‘what ifs’, if only we could do that. I picture us lying in bed, your arms around me, my head upon your chest, my fingers gently circle over your skin. My soft lips place a whisper of a kiss on your neck. I can hear the beating of your heart getting louder and faster. In my mind, your lips capture me and hold me there in ecstasy. We look in each other’s eyes, lost … no, found. I feel your hands caress over me as you whisper against my ear. You make sweet, sweet love to me and you wipe away a tear. A slight laugh, mixed with a cry, such beautiful feelings … I sigh. Each time that you touch me, feels like the first time.

As each night passes, your presence seems more real here with me, but then I open my eyes and realize it was all just another dream. Tears fall from my eyes. Pain sears through my chest. My heart is crying out for you.

I have tried so hard to fight these feelings I have, but I can’t do it anymore. I know that I love you, but I didn’t want to tell you because you are leaving the country for three years and I didn’t want my heart to hurt, but I can’t stop feeling this way. I am so in love with you and this feeling grows deeper and deeper each day.

We only knew each other for a couple of weeks and you already had me completely and totally to yourself. I don’t even want to think about being with anyone else. I thought that if I stopped talking to you, I would forget how I felt … I thought that if I could keep myself busy, I would be okay, but I can’t forget and I’m not okay. I am so overwhelmed by my feelings for you. I need to hear your voice. I need to feel your touch. I can’t let you go to Japan without seeing you at least one more time.

Last week, I put those pictures of you on my desk at work. People walk by and ask me if you are my husband or my boyfriend. I tell them, “No. He is the man who has my whole heart.” That is the best and only way that I can describe you.

I feel terrible for not talking to you for these last 2 months. So many nights I have cried my eyes out, missing you so much, but too afraid to pick up the phone because it had been so long. What would I say? What would you say? I am afraid that you would tell me that you don’t want to talk to me anymore. I don’t think I could handle that right now.

I know that you told me that you aren’t looking to rush into anything, and just so you know … I’m not looking for that either. This has just been eating away at my heart for awhile now and I couldn’t hold it in any more. This doesn’t mean that I want to run off and get married or anything crazy like that. It just means that I do love you, completely and totally. I am here for you whenever you need me. I want to spend some time in my life with you … not necessarily forever, but I don’t want things to be over right now. It just took me awhile to realize that I don’t have to be afraid of feeling like this.

I’m going to try to call you tomorrow. Hopefully you can forgive me for the pain that I have caused you. I promise I will not disappear again. I love you.

Love always,


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