Love or Friends

Dear Chris,

I’m not quite sure where to begin; I know this past week has been a mess, both our faults, I’m not just directing that to you. I have had ten million things run through my mind the past few days, and I am going to try and get a few of them out right now.

For one, I do cherish your friendship, like I said in one of my messages, you and I have shared things and conversations about our lives, our families that I would never with anyone else. The main reason for that is because I trust you, and you listen to me, as I do to you. I can say that I have had some of the most wonderful times with you that I have ever had in my entire life, so much laughing and smiling. I had told you once before that when you talk I hold onto every word that comes out of your mouth and it’s like they are engraved in the back of my mind forever. I can’t answer why you have that affect on me; maybe it’s the fact that we have become such good friends. To be quite honest with you, I don’t trust people very easily as you very well know, and I could probably say the same for you. I think that is why I did let that wall down and let you into my life and my heart, because I felt safe, so let me ask you, why do I feel like building it back up?

Let me explain a little what I want in my life. I want someone to share my laughter, my fears, someone to listen, and to be there when I feel like the world is crashing down on me, and I want to give that same courtesy back to them in return. I don’t want someone standing at my door waiting for me to get home, or around constantly, because that drives me absolutely crazy. I do think though that since you and I have spent so much in-depth time together that I have become a little dependant on you being there, and wanting to talk to you. That doesn’t necessarily mean seeing you every day, or a three-hour phone call, but just the reassurance to know that you are in fact still there. “Hi, How are you, How was your day”…stuff like that. Is that too much for you? It sometimes feels like you only call when you know I am upset because you haven’t called after I have left you a couple of messages. You hardly ever call just because you want to.

You tell me how important it is to you to have me in your life, as what? Then you say that if I found someone that makes me happy, you don’t want to hold me back from that. Don’t you understand that I am happy with you? So when you say things like that it confuses me. I’m not sure how you differentiate between a relationship and friendship. So, I am going to tell you how I personally separate the two of them: for one I don’t spend the weekends with my friends, holding them, talking to them, being intimate, that’s just not me (nor is it a friendly relationship), it never has been and never will be. I think the things that we’ve shared (and again this is me thinking – you might disagree), the things that have been between you and I have been very special to me. They go beyond friendship.

Like the night we went to Hattaras; the way you looked at me, and just the feeling that I get when I am around you. Little do you know, Chris, whether you want to admit it or not, we have been in a relationship. You yourself have even said it was the only relationship that was different, and you’ve never been so happy. So let yourself be happy, but you have to give a little to get in return. You have seen the type of person I am, as much as I want to give; I do that for two reasons. For one it makes you happy, and for two, some people have never gotten a chance to be treated that way, and I think everyone in their life should experience it just once. I wanted you to experience it. Making you happy, seeing you happy… I truly enjoyed that. Well, for me, I’ve never been treated like that, and I want to be, I want to feel like I am a special person, that the person I am with enjoys being with me, and in return they show it. Not meaning physically, but other ways too. I need to know that someone wants me to be as happy as I want to make them.

I feel like you want me around, but you don’t want to put out the effort that would be involved with having a relationship. You enjoy what I give you and don’t want to lose me, but you don’t want to have to give back to me. A friendly relationship relieves you of the pressures of a romantic or intimate relationship. I think that is why you keep stressing being friends. That’s fine if that is what you want. But you have to understand what friendship is. Friendship still involves giving and taking. You still call friends and you still hang out with friends. But friendship doesn’t involve intimacy. I can’t have you hugging me and kissing me. You can’t expect us to spend the night together. Friends certainly don’t have sex.

As far as intimacy goes, I don’t do that with you because it’s a need. I do that because I’m showing you in another way just how much I enjoy being with you, and having you in my life. When I hug you or kiss you, it’s my way of showing you that I do in fact care about you, yes, as a friend but in the same token also a little bit more.

How do you want it, Chris? You have to make a decision. We can be friends or we can continue exploring a relationship. But if it is the relationship, I expect you to show me your feelings, show me what I mean to you. Don’t just tell me when you are afraid I will leave you. I need to know it by your actions. I need to know that you respect my feelings and that you understand them. I need you to give a little of your life and time to me and not expect that I will do all of the work.

Do you understand what it takes to have a relationship? It is simple, Chris. The things I do for you and the way I make you feel; give it back to me. Do for me what you enjoy me doing for you. Do something special. Think about what you would like me to do for you and do it for me. Think about what would make me smile and do it. But Chris, anything good involves a little work. Is it worth it to you? Is my relationship with you worth enough for you to put forth some effort to make me happy?

If it isn’t, I understand. I knew from the start that you did not want a relationship. But you have to admit that one developed. If it developed because I pushed you into it, then I am sorry. I’m backing off.

I can’t continue seeing you and feel the way that I have been lately. You give me a mixture of extreme happiness along with confusion.

Love always,
Your Angie


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