Because I Have To

June 27, 2011

Dear Clifford,

Can’t you see that everything that I do, I’m doing it because I have to? When I tell you that I don’t want to be with you I say this because I have to. When you ask me if I love you and I say no – even though it’s a lie – I say this because I have to. When you hold my hand and I pretend to feel nothing – even though it feels so good – I do that because I have to. When you look deep in my eyes and I long to tell you just how much I want to be with you, yet I tell you that we could never be, I say this because I have to. When you hold me in your arms and I feel protected by the warmth of your love and yet I tell you that friends are all that we can be, I say this because I have to. And when I see you walking away with tears in your eyes I want to run to you and tell you that maybe I have made a mistake and we can make this work but I let you walk away because I have to.

You see, I have loved and been hurt too many times, so I have let down my guard and covered this broken heart of mine. I have given up on love because it gave up on me. So, if I were you, I would not try my chances on this broken heart, just turn around and leave me. I am sure you will find someone who won’t hurt you and she will still be alive in love because my heart has given up a long time ago.

So, I let you go and my heart aches because I can feel the pain and the confusion you are going through. I also feel the pain of letting go what could have been the best thing in my life, but you see, I can’t do it anymore … tried it too many times before. You know what the saddest part is? I am willing to live with the pain of never knowing what could have been than risk my heart ever again. I am so sorry ….

Love always,


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