You Are The Beat Of My Heart

July 1, 2011

Dear Scott,

Baby, I can never explain the feeling I have had over this last week, it seems months, maybe it is because every moment you have been gone has been filled with memories playing over and over in my mind, beautiful memories. The fear that clenches my stomach is beyond comprehension, to live another day with out you would not be living, you are my breath, my pulse, you make me whole.

At night I am afraid to go to bed, though I am so weary from emotion. When I fall, I wake when it is still dark and try as I might to go back to sleep, I cling to my pillow and know that I must occupy my mind to keep from dying of pain. All the things I have seen, everything I have believed in, my instincts and knowledge guide me. For the first time in my life I felt like a real person, knew my life was about to change, to become normal with no more pain, and then the worst agony that I could ever imagine replaced that joy that was to be. I fill my days with anything I can possibly do, I don’t stop, as though I am running from the thoughts of you trying to bring my tears. The house is immaculate and renovated, my muscles are sore from exercise, I have seen every movie currently in the cinema and been to every shop in town. But no matter what I do, you are right in front of me, everything reminds me. Romantic movies, the things we were going to buy, you are in every corner of my house. The little heart cushion in my shower to the balcony, to the street, to the stars, Baby! I am exhausted and tonight I stopped running and it caught me, the tears won’t stop and I am so afraid… where are you, when are you coming home, are you coming home to me?

Sweetheart, come home to me! Please!! I beg with all I have and as I have said, promise you a lifetime of happiness and love. Come dance on the moon with me. You are all there is, I neither need nor want anything else at all. You are my heaven on earth and I need to live there, if you go … I need to as well, I have two angels and I need to be with one of them.

I am empty; fill me with passion for life once again … please.

Love always,


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