My Guardian Angel

July 1, 2011

My guardian angel,

I’ve never felt a hurt like this where it feels as though someone had stuck a knife through my heart. I can barely breathe knowing that I can’t hold you, hug you, and kiss you. The fact that you are not within a distance to me that I can easily reach, hurts. I’ve missed you so badly the moment you were out of my sight. I choked on tears and could not manage to breathe. I do not know how I am going to live without you here to hold and to hold me.

I love you so much that neither words nor actions could express my feelings for you. I could spend the rest of my life describing how much I love you and it still would not come close to the way I really feel. I could die for you and it still could not possibly show my love and feelings for you in proportion to which I feel them.

Since after Christmas I had this sensation at the back of my mind and at the very pit of my stomach where it stayed so well hidden that I could not even acknowledge it. As Easter drew near, I could finally recognize the heavy feeling of dread. This feeling became more heavily embedded after Easter and as time went on, closer to my departure date, the sensation increasingly became more intense. Now my worst fears, my fears of losing you, have become a reality. And it hurts, it hurts like hell. I feel sick, I tremble, I cannot breathe, and tears constantly blur my vision. I do not know how to handle this pain – this knife in the heart feeling of loss. Without you I feel alone and cold. I feel so small and helpless. You cave my life, you made my whole and without you, I am nothing. The fears that I now have is that I will forget the little things, though I pray I never will. I am afraid that I will forget the way you feel, the way you taste, and your smell. The little things that I love so much, I am afraid that I will forget them. And I do not want to, I so do not want to.

Now I know why we are here. I know why we live. It’s because once you find someone you love and care for so dearly, where you would give up anything and everything for them, you found purpose in your life that makes it worth living. You are my purpose and I do not know what to do without you. How a few hours could change a life! I continue to cry, and I will continue for a long time, and when my eyes cease to produce more tears, my heart will continue to cry for you every day, forever, because I will think of you every day, every hour, every second within a minute. I do not think I would prevent that if I wanted to. I cannot stop my heart from crying crimson tears of blood. And it does bleed. It bleeds because of the pain I feel from losing you. I know that I will never really lose you because you will always be in my heart, but that does not stop me from missing you. And feeling desperate with the need to hug and kiss you and be in your arms. That is where I wish I could stay forever, in your arms. My heart beats for you now and forever. Before, when I was with you, it beat happily, hopefully, but now it beats longingly. Longing to have you with me, and that longing cannot be easily or quickly smothered, and I do not want to smother it. You will always have a permanent place in my heart. I will never forget you, How could I? I need you more than anything. You are my life support.

Although I hate what has been done to us, being torn apart from one another, I will always be happy for the time I had you with me. I will treasure each moment in my heart and be thankful for the little, precious time we had together. I love you so much, so very much and I always will. Please do not forget that. It is important to me that you never forget that.

One image of us that I have found immense comfort in when I recall it is us on your bed. I am holding you, our bodies so close to each other that you could feel the beating of our hearts. You with one arm beneath my head and your other hand playing with my hair. Our legs are intertwined and you are telling me one of your stories. I miss you so much. And I know that it is only going to get worse with time, not better. I do not know if my heart will ever heal. It has been shattered too badly. God, I love you. I miss you so much. My life was lonely and cold. When I meet you, you caused the loneliness to vanish and melted the cold with your warmth and love. I can never repay the feeling you gave me with your love or the happiness you bring me, but I can, and will, love you with all my heart forever.

These words have not been written down in any particular order so it might be hard for you to understand what I am trying to say, but know this at least… without you, I feel hollow and unfinished. You complete me. I need you. I love you more than anything … more than myself.



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